Standing Strong

It happened in a second. One moment we were laughing and the next my ankle was broken and the pain consumed every ounce of energy I had.

As a kid, I always thought crutches looked like a lot of fun. Whenever my friends had them, I would always take them for a spin and hop around the house. Little did I know the insane amount of discomfort and disability they truly cause.

After my surgery, I left my parents and returned to classes. As I unpacked my suitcase and hobbled around the house, the tears started to sting, but not because of pain.

I can’t do this. I thought. I can’t do anything for myself.

It stopped the unpacking, and left me crying in my bed the night before my 21st birthday. And that’s when my perspective hit. I value my independence above every other character trait I have.

I value my positivity. I value my ability to write. I value my empathy. Take away my ability to do things for myself, and all of those things seemed to disappear.

Sometimes, life hits you with something so debilitating it makes you see the world differently. I never would have expected a broken ankle to be the hardest thing I’ve had to go through, but I really think it takes the top of the list. And, like all hard things, it’s taught me a thing or two about life.

You Can’t Do Life Alone

It would be awesome if we never needed anyone else. I’m the person who moved houses entirely on my own. It took a few packed car loads, but I didn’t want to ask for help. When people offer their help, they genuinely don’t mind giving it. It’s not a negative reflection on you to take it.

You are not weak because you accept the help of another.

Getting Up is Half the Battle

Do I want to get out of bed and reach for my crutches when my palms are still burning from the day before and can already feel them bruising my arms? No. I don’t.

But a life lived without pain is no life at all. Pain is simply impossible to avoid, whether it be emotional or physical. It’s a matter of will, to put mind over body and tell yourself you CAN do it and you WILL do it, and then somehow those words of confidence allow you to do what your body tells you is simply impossible. But…

You Can Not Do It All

Among other things, I like to be present. I show up when people ask me to. I like to experience everything and I don’t want to miss an opportunity to meet a new friend. But sometimes recognizing your own limitations is the first step to accepting them.

It’s OK to not be able to do everything. It’s OK to tell someone that you’re going to stay in and read instead of going to watch that basketball game. It’s exhausting to turn people down, but it’s even more exhausting to be present at everything when quite simply your body needs time to re-energize.

It’s not about how many times I tell myself “things could be a lot worse.” It’s how many times I tell myself that I am still strong, I am still capable, and no one can take those things away from me. I might be slower, I might do less, but I am not a burden.

April 6, 2016 by Emily Leave a comment

To the ones we leave behind

I was scrolling through Facebook after my freshman year of college when I saw it.

“Lisa Allen got engaged to Tyler Bosworth.”

Lisa Allen is engaged??!!?  It was unfathomable to me. The girl I had spent my entire elementary years traipsing through parks with was going to get married. And I was finding out on Facebook.

I wanted to tell someone. I hadn’t even known she had a boyfriend, but how should I have. She’s a private person, she doesn’t advertise her life online for the rest the world to see, but it seems like I should have known nonetheless.

In 3rd grade, I would go to her house three times a week. We spent entire weekends jumping on her trampoline and spinning in her tire swing, never once thinking there would come a day that we were no longer a part of each others lives, our interactions reduced to a “like” or a rare comment on the social website that would become the embodiment of our relationship.

We created entire worlds for ourselves, imagining the places we could travel from the planet that was her backyard and the solar system that was the park down the street. We read and laughed, watching movies and laying the foundation for a friendship that would last forever.

Only it didn’t.

Because Lisa and I started to make other friends outside of our bubble. And we both realized there were more people that we shared other interests with. Lisa started going to a different school and I found a new friend in Melissa. Sure, Lisa and Melissa were friends, but it was different, we shared different interests. All at once I was a junior in high school, driving past the park I had spent countless afternoons biking through and realizing I hadn’t spoken to Lisa in years.

For that matter, I didn’t remember the last time I had said more than a passing hello to Melissa. Because as I grew I would find new things I was interested in, and with those new things came new people. Gradually, those new people became new friends and despite trying to tie the old friends in with the new friends you realize your grip on the two ropes is imbalanced, the hand holding the new one always holding tighter. And the old slowly slips through your fingers without your noticing until years have passed.

The girl I once imagined would be my maid of honor didn’t even invite me to her wedding. I wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t even disappointed. I merely liked her wedding photos and continued scrolling.

It’s an endless cycle. As terrible as it is to think about, many of the people currently in my life may not be around in the next five years. Because life is such funny thing, and no matter how hard we may try to hold on to the ever unravelling ropes of our past, they will slip away. And we find ever new ropes to hold as we grow older, giving only the occasional glance back at the life we lived and the ones who made us who we are.

And would you look at that, Melissa just got engaged.

“Like.”

 

 

March 11, 2016March 11, 2016 by Emily Leave a comment

Pick a color

“I’ve been 40 years discovering that the queen of all colors is black.” — Pierre-Auguste Renoir

Imagine walking into a room with every color under the sun painted on the walls. How would it make you feel? More than likely, overwhelmed.

Colors have meaning, and it’s only when you delve a little deeper into them that you recognize they can directly affect your mood and actions.

Asking what someone’s favorite color is is one of the easiest ways to learn about who they are. It may not seem important, but it says more about a person than many realize.

Colors have meaning. They say something about how you feel and how you think and how you look.

The woman who wears red is determined. She is full of passion and persistence, bringing excitement to every conversation and remaining strong in the midst of the storm.

The woman who wears pink is always smiling. She offers a friendly hand to anyone and everyone she meets. She exudes femininity and remains upbeat, focusing on the positives instead of the negatives. She is both calm and calming, offering compassion as a reaction instead of judgement.

The woman who wears orange boasts of courage, maximizing her successes and boldly undertaking new adventures. She can’t be confined by the formality of business, but welcomes movement and endless energy. Her warmth and happiness are contagious and she wins friends through her enthusiasm.

The woman who wears brown is reliable. She’s there when you need the stability of good advice and remains approachable through her relaxed and informal style. She may be down to earth, but she recognizes the beauty of supporting the dreams of others.

The woman who wears yellow is confident and playful. Many see her as anxious, but it’s just her anticipation of what the next moment will bring. She remains optimistic and cheerful, and knows when to speak and when to be silent. She is wise and expressive, stimulating conversation among the most diverse crowds.

The woman who wears green is relaxed and compassionate, but that doesn’t stop her from being ahead of the game in almost every area. She is prosperous, but it’s through her personal growth not the handouts of others. Working her way to where she is has taught her the importance of harmony, and she is often the peacekeeper in the room.

The woman who wears blue cares. She carries with her an air of authority and trust, and while many consider her responsibility and seriousness to be offputting, those who know her know that it’s a tranquil happiness. People seek her out by the word of her friends. She is honest and loyal, and held in high regard.

The woman who wears purple is passionate. She has a vision for the future and her dignified walk tells the world that she will accomplish everything she puts her mind to. She has an affinity for the beautiful and luxurious things of the world, but this doesn’t keep her from being respected by her peers.

The woman who wears lavender  is a romantic. She loves to read and sees the world through eyes all her own. She imagines things that seem impossible and dreams of places she’s never been.

The woman who wears black is elegant. She carries herself with authority and dignity and demands respect by her very presence. She is sophisticated yet seductive. She is serious yet open, and the woman that all others look up to. With her floats an air of mystery, her audience eternally captivated by what she will say next.

The woman who wears gray is intelligent. She walks with a sophisticated confidence, bringing class to the most classless places. Her demeanor is welcoming yet reserved, always taking in the world around her.

The woman who wears white is full of virtue. She is organized and intelligent and she pursues her goals with the knowledge that status and prosperity are available to those who work for them.

So tell me, which color are you?

March 2, 2016March 2, 2016 by Emily Leave a comment

The melody of dreams

She sat in the cubicle, staring at the calendar. This month’s picture was a field in the midst of mountains. Grass rolled down the mountain sides, broken with bursting pink and purple flowers. The sun was setting, streaking the sky with magnificent purple and orange.

She could almost feel the breeze. She closed her eyes slowly and imagined herself there, relaxing in the soft cushion of green and allowing the wind to sweep her hair across her face. Listening to the sound of nothingness…

She was interrupted by the typing keyboard.

The typing and clicking never stopped. Churning out information, finding stories and working and working until the clock hit five and everyone left the confines of thin, grey cubicles to return to their real lives.

That’s how she split her day. Her work life and her real life. She stifled her creativity and suffocated her passions to get through the eight hours of mind-numbing drudgery that seemed present in the lives of everyone she knew.

This wasn’t what she had imagined. She didn’t understand why one day the world had suddenly decided her dreams were a bit whimsical and didn’t really fit in. Traipsing across the mountains without responsibility just wasn’t how the world went round.

So she resigned herself to the role of “contributing member of society.” She went to work, she left, and every few weeks she took home a paycheck.

But each day, when she glanced at her calendar, a familiar dream would pop into her head. For some reason, when the corporate world had squished her mind into the box of conformity, her dreams hadn’t quite fit. So they would visit her.

They would wake without any warning, but they particularly liked that calendar. And as they slowly folded back the edges of the box they would whisper to her and remind her of the life she had wanted to live.

“Don’t forget about us,” they would sing, letting the gentle melodies float to the edges of her mind.

“Someday doesn’t have to mean never.”

And they would sing to her. They would croon melodies of abandoned towns in countries she had never heard of. They sang of places without clocks and keyboards, where the ocean kisses the land and erases the trace of yesterdays.

Her dreams would whisper of mountains and valleys, of hikes and lazy rivers. Their voices floated through her mind, exploring continents, climbing walls and learning words in new languages, allowing them to roll through their melodies of imagination.

And with those songs, she would remember that it wasn’t permanent. This is not the way that life is meant to be lived.

And with each paycheck she squirreled a bit more away. And she waited through the mundane, and worked through the unbearable, because she couldn’t allow the world to steal her someday.

That someday when she would walk away. She would say I deserve more than a life full of paying my bills until I die. I will see the sun rise and set over the mountains. I will lie on the grass and feel the velvet green on my back and the scorching bright sun on my face. I will feel the breeze and know that this life is more.

It’s more than a paycheck.

Life is a beautiful dream, waiting to be chased.

February 24, 2016February 25, 2016 by Emily Leave a comment

I have no idea what I’m doing, and that’s OK

I have a confession to make. I don’t know what I want to do with my life.

I think most college age girls find themselves in this boat at least once in their college career, and it’s usually accompanied by sleepless nights, bloodshot eyes, 3 a.m. freakouts and pizza binge eating.

Here’s a little secret though, everyone does this. Everyone goes through a period in their lives when they honest to God don’t know how they’re going to graduate college. Everyone wonders if they’ve really picked the right major, or the right job, or the right relationship. It’s completely normal to question everything you’re doing and have paralyzing, terror-inducing thoughts about what the heck you’re going to do in the future.

The trick to surviving this is knowing that everybody’s still fine. The world is still turning, the sun is still shining and the birds are still singing. So here are a few tips to keep in mind the next time you’re certain you’re a failure and you will have to stay in college forever.

1. PEOPLE CHANGE

Remember when you were 12 years old and wanted to be a veterinarian more than anything in the world? Well, more likely than not you don’t still want to be a vet. Your tastes have changed as you’ve grown up, and that’s a good thing. You aren’t still obsessed with Hannah Montana, you don’t play with Barbies on a regular basis and you know how to make mac-n-cheese without help. If that’s not being an adult, I don’t know what is.

2. YOU HAVE MAD SKILLS

That thing that you really love to do in your free time is a skill. It doesn’t have to be huge, I’m not expecting you to have built a spaceship in your free time. It’s the way you listen when your friend calls and chats for hours. Listening skills go a long way. It’s how you always manage to keep your room clean, despite how chaotic your life is. It’s knowing how to read a recipe or follow instructions. You are more than capable of making your own way in the world.

3. PEOPLE LIKE YOU

Do you have friends? Good, you’re solid on this one. No matter where you go or what you do in life, if you kill it or wreck it, people will be there for you. You have friends you can turn to who have your back through thick and thin. Don’t think their view of you is low just because your view of yourself is.

4. YOU CAN GET PAID FOR ANYTHING

Someone gets paid to collect golf balls out of water traps. Someone else gets paid to sniff armpits to see if deodorant works. No lie. So when you convince yourself you’ll never get a job, ever, remember that everyone needs someone to do something.

So this semester when you’re lying awake at 3 a.m. wondering how it’s all gonna work out, remember you’re not the only one.

February 12, 2016 by Emily Leave a comment

Let me LEARN

As my alarm rings at six in the morning and my eyes slowly peel open, I feel the familiar resistance. I pull all the blankets in as I curl into a ball and squeeze my eyes closed, telling myself I can’t hear my alarm and no, of course I don’t really need to get up. But the alarm persists and I slowly roll over and stare at that merciless clock, willing it with all my might to turn back time. However, in my many years of willing, the clock seems unresponsive. Maybe I should buy a new one. With a big yawn I slide first my toes, then my feet, then my reluctant legs out from the blissful warmth of my bed and onto the floor. I reach over, turn off the alarm, and drag myself to the bathroom, where the bright lights serve as a secondary wake up call.

Half-an-hour and a cup of coffee later, I have nearly convinced myself that I’m awake. I’m no longer shuffling from one room to the next and my brain is forming mostly complete thoughts, struggling to remember which day of the week it is and if there’s anything important enough going on today that I need to wear something besides my traditional jeans. If there’s really nothing going on, maybe I can even get away with leggings and a t-shirt.

As I walk out the door, hopefully fully dressed, and climb into my car, I pre-valuate the day. (Yes, I did make that word up.) Over the course of my three years at college, only one thing has really changed from my morning routine: my mindset.

A LONG TIME AGO…

When I was a freshman, I dreaded class. I was taking the typical freshman gen-ed courses and I’m not proud to say that I skipped class more than just a few times. Yes, I still passed with above average grades, but I didn’t care about the material and I thought I was too good for it. These classes felt like a waste of money and time, and I just wanted to get into my major and start studying the things I loved.

I snoozed through the Art of Dance, Pinterested my time away in Geology, and day dreamed during American Politics. When I wasn’t in class, you better believe I wasn’t reading my text books and working on homework, I was watching “One Tree Hill” and going on 2 a.m. Sonic runs.

I passed my classes, enrolled in the next semester, and started the cycle over.

Remember when you were in high school math classes, and your teacher would ask you to do long division and you would argue that you were never going to use that at any point in your career? That’s kind of how those gen-eds felt. They were so pointless.

Or were they?

NOT QUITE SO LONG AGO…

Think back on the last time you were listening to a group of friends talk, about politics for example, and you really truly had no idea what the conversation was about. You couldn’t offer information or anything substantial to the situation, except for maybe an awkward laugh when it seemed appropriate. Sure would be nice if you had taken a course in American Politics…oh wait. You did. You just ignored any information that might have been useful for a time like this because you had miscatagorized it as “having nothing to do with anything I will ever be doing.”

Woops.

Imagine if NZT, the mind-enhancing drug from that Bradley Cooper movie was real, and you could access everything you had ever heard or seen. Wouldn’t that be convenient when you’re trapped in a conversation you’re undereducated for? Unfortunately for us, NZT is not real (yet). So in the meantime, we’re stuck with learning the hard way: applying yourself.

Somewhere along the line in my college career I stopped skipping classes. It might have been when I started taking courses in my major, but I wish it had been long before. I wish I could go back and tell my freshman self that the information my professors were providing was not useless. I’ve paid a lot of money for my education, and it’s sad to look back and know that I wasted so much of it.

I tell my sorority sisters constantly to have fun learning when they leave for class, and I usually get an eye roll or a laugh, but no one really takes it seriously. It’s not easy to enjoy learning. However, once you realize just how much stuff there is in the world that you don’t know, it’s hard to satisfy your appetite.

February 5, 2016 by Emily Leave a comment

Be happy.

It seems like a simple concept, to be happy, but for some reason it evades us. We complain about the weather. If it’s unseasonably warm we’re frustrated by the tease, if it’s cold we long for summer. We are inconvenienced by parking lots and walking is a burden. Though the world offers a litany of experiences that should satisfy us in every way, we walk through life with blinders, focusing only on what we wish was different.

It’s been my goal over the last six months to be grateful for the life that I am currently living, finding the good in each moment and making my own happiness. That being said, I’ve established my own list (because who doesn’t love a good list) of eight ways to be a happier person.

1. Appreciate the moment.  I am a person who rushes. I rush to work, I rush to class, I rush to make my dinner… It’s a never ending list of things that need to be done, and of course they always need to be done NOW. I read an article that talks about the most important moment being the moment you are in right now. If you’re sitting in traffic, be there. Be conscious. Don’t be thinking about the million little things you need to get done the moment you get where you’re going. All the little moments add up to make a big life, and you never know when the most insignificant one will present you with the most significant idea.
2. Make time for yourself.  Whether you have a significant other or not, giving yourself time with your own thoughts can change your life. It doesn’t have to be a lot of time, it can be two minutes in the morning when you sit in bed, sip your coffee, and simply think. Think about the things you want to do and the ideas that seem beyond your ability. Give your mind the credit it deserves to develop your own opinions and ideas. I recently started journaling again and have made a habit of doing it every morning. It amazes me how much more I get accomplished on the days I allow myself a small moment to think than on the days I don’t.
3. Worry less.  Money has always been a big concern for me. I have to pay bills and sorority dues and college fees and somehow they all seem so daunting and overwhelming that I want to give up. These moments are the moments I have to step back, and play a game of “worst case scenario.” I know everyone’s worst case scenario is different, but for me, worst case is that I put college on hold for a while, move in with my parents, and work. When you sit back and look at it it’s really not that daunting.
4. Know that the future is the future.  Duh. But if you think about it, you’ll get it. I stress about where I’ll work after college. I stress about grad school. I worry that I’ll never travel all the places I want to go or meet the one. But that’s silly, because all of those things are not happening now, and acting like they are will only serve to spoil the present. The future will happen. Let it happen on it’s own time.
5. Be so grateful it hurts.  You woke up today. You can walk today. You can still see, smell, touch, taste and feel. You are a whole person who can make conscious choices about your present and your future. The sun is in the sky and the world is still turning and you’re still breathing. Know it and appreciate it.
6. Be kind every day.  Don’t just be nice, be kind. Go out of your way for the people that you encounter. Sit and have a conversation with those that you don’t want to talk to and don’t begrudge them for wanting to talk. Hold the door open. Smile when you walk past people. Tell a stranger to have a good day. Kindness is contagious and it comes at no cost to yourself. Get outside of your comfort zone and be a ray of sunshine.
7. Realize that life is not a series of checked boxes.  Your life will go on whether or not you follow the “rules.” You don’t have to lead the conventional cookie-cutter life that the world expects of you. You have the remarkable ability to determine how your life will turn out, so don’t waste that opportunity. Seize it. You can disappoint the people around you, just don’t disappoint yourself by wasting your talents on a meaningless life.
8. See the good.  You will never be a happier person if you can’t see the good. There is good in every single situation. Even the worst ones. Focus on it.

 

 

 

January 29, 2016 by Emily Leave a comment

In search of the click

I was recently talking with two of my best friends, and we were talking about how easy it was to be around each other. We’ve known each other since pre-birth, our moms were friends in college, so we’ve grown up together. We’ve always had a sporadic friendship, and we usually go for long periods of time without talking to each other. Somehow though, anytime we get together we can talk for hours upon hours about anything and everything. As I grow older, I’ve found that those conversations are usually about important things. We don’t have to fill the conversation with gossip or meaningless, trivial news, we talk about our lives. And I’ve figured out why, it’s because we have the click.

You know what I’m talking about. We all have those people in our lives that we turn to on the worst of days. The ones that sometimes feel closer than family. No matter how far away they live, you find ways to see each other, even if it means driving for two hours to spend just one hour laughing at a coffee shop with them. They’re worth it. That click is irreplaceable. It’s the synchronization between people that seems to make the world fade away.

However, when the world lives in your back pocket or your purse, that click is harder and harder to find. We seem to be so caught up in viewing others lives, we forget to talk to them. When we see a hilarious picture from one of our friends on Instagram, we settle for a double tap of the thumb instead of calling them to ask about the story behind it. We simply don’t care enough about the lives of our friends to invest more than a half second on a favorite.

It’s so easy to neglect the people in our lives in favor of our latest netflix binge. We weigh the options in our minds: we could have a few friends over for a game night…or we could put on our jammies and curl up on the couch with our favorite show. Kinda like we did last night. And the night before that.

Why do we choose to occupy such a small space of the world? It’s because we’re afraid that if we spend too much time with others, they might decide we’re not all that fun to be around. We feel like a nag every time we text someone asking if they’re free. We care too much about how someone will perceive us instead of how we can build a connection. So we settle for an internet connection and start scrolling.

We expect that if we’re meant to be best friends with someone, that click will just be there instantly. Sometimes it is, but more often than not that click is something we have to work for. You’ll never find something in common with your friends if all your conversations are surface level. If all you talk about are your mutual friends, you’re not getting to know each other. Gossip doesn’t count as conversation.

So how do we find it? How do we find those people that just seem to sync up with our brains and the conversation flows? It doesn’t come in an instant, and no matter how hard you try with some people, the click just isn’t going to be there. But we can try. We can set aside our pre-judgements and take the time to get to know someone. Step out of your comfort zone and give someone a call. Even if they aren’t free to hang out, you might have a great phone conversation. Let things be sporadic, but make an effort. Ask someone about their passions. Ask them about their past. Listen to them tell you about that one time in high school when they thought of the best senior prank and the hilarity that ensued. Laugh at their stupid jokes. Ask them what inspires them. Learn where they want to be when they’re 30. People will reciprocate.

Trust me, when you have a miserable day, these people will make you feel a million times better than your favorite netflix show can. And their shoulders are far more comfortable to cry on than your laptop. Also, a t-shirt is a lot easier to clean than a keyboard.

January 18, 2016 by Emily 1 Comment

Age of choices

I’ve been so reminded lately of the inevitability of age. Life seems to flash by us so swiftly, we look up one day and years have passed. I can’t imagine what it will be like to look back on my life in 10, 20 or 30 years and wonder where the time could have possibly gone.

We have such an incredible amount of power in our lives, even when we feel powerless. Not a single person can make us do anything. People can suggest things, and sometimes we feel like we are being forced into something, but the fact is, we can say no.

What amazing power that is. The ability to choose exactly what you are going to do. You say ‘to an extent.’ No. You choose. Laws? You can choose to break them. Restrictions? You can choose to ignore them. You can make your own life, whatever way you want. That’s not to say there are not consequences, and often those consequences affect other people.

You are free to make your own individual choices, but those choices will not affect you individually.

With this power, how is it that we spend days conforming to what we believe others want from our lives? We place restrictions on our ability to achieve what we most want because we don’t think it’s feasible. Well, guess what. The only thing truly standing in your way is yourself.

Some co-workers of mine were discussing their parents and grandparents and their declining health. If nothing makes you look ahead, the thought of your parents inevitable deaths will. We don’t live forever and we only get one shot. The small moments tend to define you more and more. What would your obituary say? Would it give the typical line about where you worked and who survives you, or would there really be something to say? Would people write about how you never let a day go wasted? You brought joy to those around you by appreciating the moments you spent with them. You loved deeply and laughed loudly. You will be missed.

Start making choices that you want to be defined by. Because like them or not, your choices will do just that.

Age by Age

Age by age,
day by day,
we seem to waste the future away.
Each passing moment we make a choice
We see laws and rules, expectations…restrictions.
We place chains on our choices that aren’t really there.
We stop chasing dreams because we’re grounded in fear.

And age by age,
and day by day,
We lose sight of the person we hoped we would be.
We accept who we are without and fight.
Our ambition is fading away in the night.
We sleepwalk through the days, never engaging.
We stop looking for freedom and start making excuses.
At what age do we become really useless?

Because age by age,
and day by day
we grow older and older.
Until the past is a haze of choices unmade
and dreams unchased.
A great game of charades we played with ourselves.
Pretending we were the person we wanted to be,
instead of making the changes,
and taking the leap.

January 13, 2016 by Emily Leave a comment

So we beat on

It’s really quite amazing how much you can learn about yourself when you face a challenge. I think that’s what 2015 was for me. It was a year where I learned that I have a lot more to offer than I usually think.

Looking back on the past year, it’s easy to look at the end and ignore the means, but that would be just a bit hypocritical. I can’t appreciate where I am today without recognizing the struggle that allowed me to get here.

I remember the beginning of 2015, when I abandoned my belief that new year resolutions are a bit tacky (I was firmly of the opinion that people should make changes in their life immediately, instead of waiting until everyone else decides to change their life as well). Despite the fact that I still hold to this a bit, I thought I would give it a go and resolve to make 2015 a great year. I wanted to find hobbies and outlets for my energy, and finally drink the recommended amount of water. In tribute to my *immediate life change* theory, I also decided to make new resolutions each month.

This did not happen, but I applaud the thought.

I started the year fairly well, taking things in stride, evaluating my responses and recognizing mistakes. And then the burnout settled in, and I was done. I was tired of striving for that ideal person I thought I needed to be. But growing is painful, and it means not giving up. It means finishing what you started.

So when the summer started I went home, and I did reevaluate, and I allowed myself to appreciate the things I had been neglecting, and I realized that I was a slightly different person than I had been when 2015 started. I was independent, but I now knew the difference between being independent and neglecting people in your life.

When the summer ended and school started again, the year really hit its stride, and I was terrified. All that ‘growth’ was out the window and I was completely unprepared for what I was expected to do. My job overwhelmed me. My classes overwhelmed me. The expectations of my peers overwhelmed me. I actually wrote in my journal that I was terrified because I had never considered that I might truly and spectacularly fail.

But somehow, I put my fears aside, and I just showed up. I learned what I had to learn and I moved out of that place of fear. And last week when I read that journal entry that I wrote only a few months ago, I felt like a different person. Because I’m not terrified, and I’m not overwhelmed, and I succeeded at everything I put my mind to.

I’m not writing this to brag. Believe me. I’m writing this because I went through some of the darkest times of my life in the past year, and I walked out the other side strong and successful.

I think the most important thing I learned in 2015 is that you cannot become the person you were meant to be without a lot of work and a lot of struggle. And that’s just life.

December 16, 2015 by Emily Leave a comment